I have been writing blog entries for a couple of years now and still have not figured out why I am blogging. My high school English teachers would probably chastise me for lacking a consistent theme or message. It is just hard for me to focus my thoughts and ideas on a single topic or purpose. When I write certain entries, I desperately hope to convey the goodness of people in this community. For other entries, I want to highlight the daily struggles of people in need. Most of the time, I probably write for purely selfish reasons.
I write because blogging has become therapeutic and an outlet to share my thoughts. I do not wish to garner sympathy or support. Blogging has just become a way for me to attempt to put into words what I see. After all, I have been repeatedly told that internalizing my thoughts is not good.
So here is my embarrassing admission: I cry and cry a lot. I have always been a fairly emotional person but since working at the Center, it seems like there is rarely a day that goes by when I do not cry. I cry over everything. In the past week alone, I have cried over the following things:
- A donation came in the mail, I cried because I am so amazed by people’s generosity.
- A grandmother hugged me to thank me for giving her family food, I cried because I do not feel like I did enough.
- I crawled into bed at night, I cried because I am grateful knowing the Center was just able to give a client a bed.
- I dropped off one of the Center’s mentees, I cried because I am afraid that the child might not get to eat for a couple of days.
- I read Mike Kelly’s OWH article about one of the Center’s homeless clients that was found dead, I cried because I think about how I was unable to convince this client to let us help him more and I am haunted thinking about how he must have died suffering from the cold.
- I got a thank you note from a former Pathway participant, I cried because I think of everything she has overcome yet she remains so upbeat.
I may never become totally comfortable with the fact that I cry or that I have even cried in front of our board but I still feel so fortunate to be down here. I know I do not do much but I care. I care more about the wonderful people that visit the Center each day than I can ever put into a blog entry. Okay, I am crying…again.